


Technically A One-Song Transformation Montage

by Salomonderiel



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 03:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3712675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salomonderiel/pseuds/Salomonderiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In training, Merlin had his methods of telling which candidates could hack it, and which couldn't.<br/>Some of them were more humane than others. </p><p>Hartwin more as a minor thing. This is mostly Merlin being a little shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Technically A One-Song Transformation Montage

**Author's Note:**

> I refuse to call this crack, because I one hundred percent believe that it's entirely within character. Written in about two hours because the idea was just too much fun to leave alone.

A fortnight into the job interview. Three interviewees down.

The rest had them had started to settle down into a rhythm. The wake-up call, breakfast, lunch, dinner, lights-out was all regular now (aside from the exceedingly dramatic and stressful times it wasn’t), and the intensity of the situation had gone down slightly. Even the dogs were starting to behave themselves.

This was, of course, when Merlin decided to mix things up a bit.

They woke up to the sound of a fog horn. After taking a couple of seconds to recover from the heart-attacks, the nine remaining candidates were upright and standing at attention next to their beds.

Eggsy sneaked a look at Merlin, only to see him tucking the horn under his arm so write something on his clipboard. And what the fuck could he be writing? Eggsy and Roxy were ninety percent sure that he was just messing with them all now.

“Right then,” Merlin said eventually, lowering the clipboard and slipping the pen into his breast pocket, “Fall out, candidates. Follow me.”

Verbal gossiping while under orders was frowned upon – and, yes, maybe Eggsy had learnt that the hard way – but that hardly stopped them. Eggsy quickly got next to Roxy, catching her eye. He pulled a face, she pulled one back. She was just as clueless as he was. They hadn’t even been allowed to get dressed. Which meant either special attire was needed – exciting – or appearance just didn’t matter.

Merlin, it turned out, was simply leading them to the spacious gym the Kingsman had on base. Rather disappointing at first, until the candidates realised they weren’t alone in there. A large workout space had been cleared and, at the front of it, stretching out, was a muscular man with dark skin belying Indian heritage, a chin that could break concrete blocks and neatly gelled back hair.

Roxy caught Eggsy’s eyes. “Please tell me we’ll be taking part in a contact sport with him,” she muttered, just loud enough for him to hear.

“I’ll fight you for the opportunity,” Eggsy muttered back, grinning.

Merlin led them onto the mats, and stopped. “Spread out,” he instructed, waiting to continue until the candidates were equally spaced across the area. “Right then, let’s get started. I hope you’ve been enjoying your lie-ins for the past couple o’ weeks, because you won’t be getting them for a fair while. This strapping gentleman is Kingsman agent Caradoc-” the man grinned rather terrifyingly at them all. He was about a foot taller than Eggsy, who was suddenly hoping that his and Roxy’s daydreams weren’t about to become a reality, “- And this morning he’s going to be teaching you a half-hour long routine, comprised of tai chi, kick-boxing, krav maga, yoga, and various other martial arts and gymnastic warm-ups. Pay close attention, because after today, you will be expected to spend the hour between five and six am warming up using this routine. You will perform the routine twice, before continuing with your usual daily activities. And, as I’m sure you’ll understand, you won’t have Caradoc helping you after today. He has far more important things to do than watch you lot embarrass yourselves daily.” With a nod, he left the mat, and Caradoc took over.

Slowly, carefully, Caradoc demonstrated and talked them through the steps. A lot of them Eggsy was familiar with, but there were a few he’d never seen before in his life, and that was saying something. He had great fun with the yoga positions, especially as some of the more complex contortions started to weed out the weak among the candidates. Caradoc laughed shamelessly, his voice booming and turning the candidates sprawled on the floor a nice, bright red.

When he finally finished, five minutes to seven, Eggsy was fully ready to just peel his muscles off and set them on fire, if only to stop the pain.

“Can’t wait to continue tomorrow morning, yeah?” Roxy asked, slapping him on the back and grinning far too happily.

Eggsy just grunted in response.

***

They all had to make their own way to the gym the next morning. Merlin was already waiting for them there.

Even their _arrival_ was apparently worthy of note-taking.

“Right, good to see all of you made it,” he said, not looking at all glad. Not that Eggsy had ever actually _seen_ him look glad. Or anything other than mildly annoyed, for that matter. “Those of you who brought MP3 players can leave them by the door. As Caradoc pointed out yesterday, part of this is to help you practise meditation. Oh, but don’t worry,” he said, already starting to leave, and the beginnings of a grin really starting to make Eggsy nervous. “Caradoc and I have provided you with what will be, I’m sure, a very motivational playlist. Breakfast will be waiting for you once you’ve all finished.”

The music and the drums started as soon as the door swung shut behind him. For a moment, Eggsy was confused – as, apparently, was everyone else, but they got into the first position anyway.

 _Let’s get down to business, to defeat, the huns_ …

Eggsy laughed out loud, and he wasn’t the only one. For once, he really, _really_ liked Merlin. And, with a strange sense of nostalgia and affection, he realised that Roxy and a few other candidates were singing along under their breath.

The sentiment wasn’t quite as strong after the song played for the fifteenth time in a row. By that point, no one was laughing.

***

Four days later and they realised that this wasn’t a quick joke.

Fifteen days, and Eggsy, Roxy and two others tried to see if they could do the exercises elsewhere. They managed to find a spot beneath a tree before – of _all people_ – Harry came along and stared them down. Eggsy could almost hear the foot-tapping, and, glowering at his mentor, he and the other candidates trudged back to the gym and Chinese Water Torture Merlin called a ‘playlist’.

Fourty-two days and one of the candidates – James, John, Joshua Pimpterton the Third or some such – tried smuggling earplugs in. Merlin stopped him before he even got in the door.

Close to two months later, one of the candidates stormed out in the middle of the workout. He was never seen again. There was only five of them left at this point.

“Are you not pissed off?” Eggsy asked Roxy at one point, all of them washing down in the showers. Merlin had had _words_ with them about showing up to a formal meal while still drenched in sweat.

Roxy shook her head. “No. Why?”

“Well, it’s a bit sexist, ain’t it?”

“Not really,” Roxy said, washing the shampoo out of her hair. “I mean, yes, the sentiment behind the song is if out of context, but considering how the actual scene in the movie-”

Eggsy splashed water at her. “Yeah, yeah I know the scene, I get your point.”

To Roxy’s other side, Charlie snorted. “Know Disney movies well, do you Eggy? What, do you like to snuggle down and watch them in your fluffy hello kitty dressing gown? I wasn’t sure if someone like _you_ could even afford Netflix.”

It was rather impressive that Eggsy hadn’t killed him ‘accidentally’ yet. “Nah, I watch them with my baby sis,” he said, squaring up to him, regardless that soap suds were slipping into his eyes. “They’re fucking ace movies, and I want her to grow up with a decent education, unlike _some_ people.”

“Anyway,” Roxy cut in, charming smile in place, hands on hips, staring Charlie down, “You wouldn’t be implying there’s anything _wrong_ with watching Disney movies in pink Hello Kitty attire, would you, Charlie?”

She said it in a sweet tone, but Charlie paled instantly, diving out of the shower to hide himself behind his towel.

Eggsy gave Roxy a discrete low-five of respect.

***

The next morning, as they entered the room to find the music playing, Roxy looked vaguely scared. “Actually, do you think if I played the sexism card, Merlin might have to stop playing it?”

Eggsy swallowed down nausea. “Anything’s worth a shot at this point.”

***

It was strange, watching the number of people exercising each morning slowly diminish. In barely any time at all, it was just the three of them left.

“Can’t be long now,” Eggsy muttered over Shang’s singing and calmly slipping into a handstand scorpion pose. “Weird, to think it’ll all be over soon.”

Roxy hummed in agreement, going into the scorpion pose only a few seconds behind him. “True. It’s almost sad, thinking we’ll never be going through these routines again.”

From the speakers came the squeaky declaration, _Now I really wish that I knew how to SWIM!_

Eggsy rotated his head to glare at Roxy. “Is it? Is it really?”

“Okay,” Roxy said with barely repressed anger. “It’s not.”

***

After all the fuss of people’s head exploding, unveiling secret mountain lairs, destabilising every country’s political systems with collateral murder, battling a remarkably lethal disabled woman and sending Dean to the hospital (which was absolutely the most fun part of it all), Eggsy felt it could be forgiven if the transition from candidate to fully-qualified agent passed with less pomp and circumstance than he’d been expecting.

But, when it was all quiet again, it felt slightly… strange. And Eggsy was having to admit that perhaps Roxy had been right.

Though if Harry ever woke up at midnight to find Eggsy and JB curled up under a blanket on the floor of his hospital room, watching _Mulan_ on a laptop, then it was something that Eggsy made him swear to take to his grave.

***

A week after that and everything had started to settle down again. Roxy and Eggsy had been given quarters on the base as well as new homes in the city. Lancelot, as she now was, had been asked to stay on base in case Percival needed emergency back-up for the case he was working. Eggsy stayed to be closer to Harry. His mum and Daisy were safe now, but Harry was still flitting in and out of critical condition.

Something about being in the old place brought back old habits. Rather than accepting the lie-in that was now very much his due, Eggsy found himself waking up at quarter to five.

When he got to the gym, Roxy was already there. “Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, smiling wryly and already starting warm-ups.

Eggsy winked at her. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

They were fifteen minutes into a strangely silent workout, when, inexplicably, Merlin stuck his head around the door. He grinned when he saw them. “I was wondering when you would be back,” he said, sounding far too smug. “Oh, don’t worry,” he said, cheerfully, changing something in the control pad by the wall, “I’ve still got the playlist saved.”

He winked before he left. But after the door shut, the music was different. Jazz, not drums. Not the battle song Eggsy and Roxy had come to hate.

It took them a while to get it, but when they did, Eggsy didn’t think they’d ever laughed harder. Abandoning all pretence of exercise, he grabbed Roxy and spun her around, dragging her into a dance.

 _Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll,_  
_Undefeated,_  
 _Riding high, and the nicest guy,_  
 _not conceited._

_He was a nothing,_   
_zero, zero,_   
_Now he’s a hot thing,_   
_hero, hero!_   
_He hit the heights at breakneck,_   
_Speeeeeeeeeeeeed!_

_Zero to hero, now he’s a hero – Yes indeed!_

Eggsy missed the high note by a mile, but neither of them cared.

Merlin couldn’t have given them a better _well done_ if he tried.

***  
***

Ten years later, and Eggsy was learning to enjoy his time between missions as much as the missions themselves. The calm times, rather than just the chaos. Going home and making shepherd’s pie from Harry and himself, for example. Taking JB to the vets to hear, once again, that the pug was overweight. Going out to lunch with Roxy.

The gym had become more relaxing, too. Less the competitive zone it had been when he’d been training, more a place to keep in shape when his job wasn’t already giving him a workout. He’d learnt the pleasures of a nice gentle run when no one else was in the gym, just him and his music.

And if sometimes he started to sing along as he ran, well, no one needed to know.

“Tranquil as a forest, but a fire within… duh duh duh, you are sure to win… and you haven’t got a clue…” He did the voices perfectly – even the high pitch for Mulan – before letting everything go for the chorus. “Must be swift as the coursing river, with all the force of the great typhoon, with all the strength as the raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the mooooon…”

Few minutes of running later and the song changed to something more generic by Avicii.

But something caught his attention in the silence between the songs. A far, far too familiar laughter.

Slowing the treadmill down, Eggsy flicked out his earbuds, curious, in time to see Caradoc emerging from behing the weight equipment.

Eggsy went pale. “How long have you been there for?” he asked, trying not to sound desperate.

Caradoc just _laughed_.

“Look, it’s just – it’s on shuffle, okay? Daisy gave me the CD, and – hey, _hey_ , please don’t tell Merlin, aight? Caradoc – don’t tell Merlin, _please don’t tell Merlin!”_

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I know, li'l bit stupid. Thanks for reading anyway. Hope it at least made you laugh!


End file.
